Consumer Reports Guide to Selecting a Girl Friend
Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here
at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend
for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product
which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby
factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying
your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you
are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a
good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end
model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester
clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when
considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a
girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to
inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase*
with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to
address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this
question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the
following table:
| Your age |
Used or New |
| 1-12 years |
(see note A) |
| 13-16 years |
New |
| 17-21 years |
Used, but not used up |
| 22-35 years |
Used heavily |
| 35-60 years |
New (see note B) |
| 60+ |
(see note A) |
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income >
$100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced."
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no
previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on
the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot
or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup
on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will
only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with
children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you
should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that
some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) should be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is
essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which
can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively
hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade,
and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look
better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration.
The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a
frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the
exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is
an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the
state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you
have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a
girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of
10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests
were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a
bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns
surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each
product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by
similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
- Goddess
- This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options
you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of
philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The
drawback is that this model is not actually available.
- Goddess-in-law
- This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual
retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic
father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate gray hairs.
- Ms. Right
- The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the
characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair
color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is
extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
- Babe
- This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs.
- Friend
- The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
- Yeah, Her
- The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we wish you Happy Hunting!
|
JokesHandbook Random Funny Pics |
|
|
